Wisdom from Barbara: Practice Gratitude

Today’s inspiration comes from SIA Board Member and champion, Barbara Neighbors Deal (1948-2019). In this talk, she shares how she introduced a gratitude practice to one of her elderly friends who was sinking deeper into depression as her body failed, and she became more lonely. Gratitude, she said, “gives us the eyes to see the goodness unfolding around us.”

From Barbara:  

In one of our afternoon visits over tea, Barb shared with me, once again, all the things that were hard, all the abilities she’d lost, how there seemed to be no point in any of it. She said, “Barbara, I know how to live. But clearly, I don’t know how to let go and die.” She was 99 by this time, and couldn’t see much point to sticking around. We talked a lot about this. She said, “Why am I still here, if I can’t DO anything? I can’t see to read, I can barely read my own writing anymore, I can’t do anything to help anybody else, I can’t even help myself. I’m miserable!  What can I do?”

Finally, I said, “Barb, can you think of one thing that you’re thankful for today?” She pondered a while, and brightened up, and said,  “Well, I guess. They did serve my favorite meatloaf today for lunch, and cherry pie for dessert!  That was delicious.”

And I knew we were on to something. I said, “How does it make you feel to name this thing you’re thankful for?” She said, “Huh. Well, I feel a little better.”

I said, “Are you willing to try an experiment?” She said, “Anything! Anything to feel better.” I said, “Okay. Where’s your favorite notebook?” She told me where her lovely leather-bound notebook was. I got it, and a wide-tipped felt pen that wrote dark and large enough for her to be able to make out what she wrote.

I said, “Okay, here’s your assignment, should you choose to accept. Every night before bed, every single night, think back over your day. Write down three things that happened that you’re thankful for.”

She looked skeptical and said, “Gosh, I don’t think I’ll be able to think of one thing each day to be thankful for, much less three.” I said, “One is a great place to start. Write down one thing you’re thankful for, and then think some more. See if you can think of three.”

Barbara (blue shirt), visiting Eunice's (red shirt) cafe, started with support from the Spirit in Action Small Busines Fund (Uganda, 2019)

She agreed to try it as an experiment, as a spiritual assignment. I said that if she wanted to, I’d love to hear the things she was thankful for. So every day, either when I visited or by phone, she shared the three things from that day for which she was grateful.

This simple little exercise, the simple act of paying attention to things that were good, and giving thanks, became transformational for her, a real renewing of her mind. It shifted her focus away from the things that were hard, and painful, and sad, -- away from all the losses – and toward the things that became like shining jewels in her days. Sometimes it was the simple things – like a phone call from her great-niece, or a card from an old friend, or the hilarity of a kiss from my dad, who didn’t know who she was, but loved her anyhow.  

Other times it was bigger stuff, like the facility administrator who gradually became like a daughter to Barb, and sought out Barb for advice and encouragement. Barb knew she was making a difference, a contribution, to this woman’s life, and through her, to all the residents of the facility.

I noticed the sprouts of renewal in Barb before she did, but the day came when she was with us for dinner, and she said, “Things are changing in my life.”

She said, “For months, I was sinking deeper and deeper into depression. No amount of trying to talk myself out of it helped, and you didn’t help a darn bit either, no matter how much you tried to cheer me up. It wasn’t until I started really paying attention to what was unfolding around me, in the events that happened and the people who surrounded me, that I began to see how much good was really happening. The more I noticed, and the more grateful I became. And the more good things happened, and the more I noticed it! Goodness abounds because of gratitude, doesn’t it?”

Yes, it does.